He-he, yeah, George, to hell with that exterminator, you go get them nasty ol’ termites all by yourself, buddy! Charge!

“Jesus, give it a break, George, it’s supposed to be a ‘crash test dummy,’ not a ‘crash test idiot!'”
“Ha-ha, Frank, ‘give it a break!’ Ain’t that pretty much what he’s already clearly doing here?”

“Urrgh! Ooohhh, wow… Okay, you guys, who’s got a pointy little head now?”
“Whoa, George, I gotta admit that you sure taught us a real lesson here! Yeah, that you’re a lot stupider than I thought!”

And in this picture, folks, we see George attempting to teach his house who’s the boss by trying to headbutt it into submission.

“Come on, boy, we didn’t literally mean that you should knock yourself out! Geez, did you ever hear of a ‘figure of speech?'”

“Hey, shall we tell him?”
“Aw, hell no, this is just way too much fun watching George trying to demonstrate for us ignorant morons his interpretation of ‘mind over matter!'”

“Hold it, that’s quite enough, son, you do certainly qualify! Now, all we need is ten more idiots like him and we’ll have ourselves a pretty swell team!”

“My God, have things changed over time! Damn, when I was around his age, I released steam by getting drunk and going to whorehouses!”

“All right, George, you seem to have tested that football helmet well enough. Okay, now it’s time to get around to the other twenty-three before the game tomorrow.”

“Look, George, stop being so damn stubborn now, and just go to the hardware store and buy yourself a real hammer!”
“Bah, please shut your big mouth there, Frank, today was seeming mighty boring until ol’ George here started doing these uproarious house repairs of his!”

Reigning Pitchmen

Better count your fingers and toes,
after every time we converse a little,
because you can’t trust what I’ll do,
let alone what I’m liable to say also,
in this nasty pit that you’ve created,
wishing to frame any idea imagined.

Just get used to being a swell player yourself, doll,
furiously moving your selected effigy over our worn board,
caught guilty in the act and even in mid-sentence,
trying to pay your bills with someone else’s earned money,
without shame dripping in denial concerning your supposed misdeeds,
obviously not hearing these pathetic excuses through my mouth instead.

Right, you made your fortune partly using what you voice,
but you should understand that your tongue ain’t all golden,
especially that bright yellow streak you’ve developed lately,
severely dividing what was mostly genuine within your prime,
now tearing muscles and ligaments from your complacency,
too bad you have to take so many others down with this fall.

Ah, here they all come twinkling below to freeze our traffic,
how dare you question motives when they built this expanse,
simply enjoy a wondrous view awaiting your opportunity,
turn up the heat and music as we massage bodies and minds,
straight across our lines between their mounting wreckage,
happy to be and most alive precisely ahead of the guillotine.

Whew. Good, now that I probably have my temperature back down to normal, I can go finish chasing that damn cat.

“Yeah, kids, you can keep on dropping all of your leftover drinks right here. Although I sure like these sodas a lot, I still wouldn’t mind a wee touch of Jack Daniels every once in a while either.”

“Aw puhleeze, I’m only here schooling this stupid ice on what being cool really is!”

“Bah, global warming, my fat hairy rumpoceros! Come on, tell me, if there honestly is this supposed ‘global warming,’ then how the hell is there a whole pile of ice just suddenly here on the sidewalk in the middle of summer? Ha, I seriously got ya crazies totally stumped here, now don’t I?”

“Ahhh, that’s so nice! Okay, I think I’ve got them lousy crabs just about frozen solid. Geez, must remember to be more careful when I’m out on da prowl next time!”

“Hey, what do we have here, a ‘pupsicle?’ Get it, ol’ boy, ‘pupsicle?'”
“Look, and what do we have here with you, a ‘moron?’ Get it? You’re a moron.”

“God, what the hell?! Yeowwl, do you have any freaking idea how long it took me to carve that ice sculpture before you selfishly decided to take a damn swan dive into it?!”
“Come on, who the hell cares how long it took you to make it, buddy! Seems pretty irrelevant considering that it’s thoroughly trashed right now.”

“Oh, wow! Yikes, we got to get this poor little fella quickly back to the cryogenics facility!”
“Urrgh, Rin Tin Tin, Benji, and Lassie all down in the mud doing the nasty, this rotten place is simply crawling with morons!”