Oh, I beg of you, don’t shoot! I thought this bamboo was mine to eat, but I was obviously mistaken. I clearly see that now.

“Hey, watch out, everyone! This giant panda’s got claws!”
“Uh, so damn what? This giant panda is also pretty secure in a cage.”
“Never mind.”

“All right, now for my first trick, I will make this piece of bamboo disappear right before your very eyes. Ah, please notice that there’s nothing in my paws…”

“Ugh, I’ve had enough! Okay, I’m done with bamboo! Listen, I’ll eat anything else. Geez, I’ll even settle for eating my own kind, just please, blessed Ling-Ling, NO MORE BAMBOO!”

“Look, forgive me, I didn’t realize that you were so sensitive. Sorry, I’ll eat it when you’re asleep or something. What? No? Oh, yeah, you’re certainly right in that. Exactly, I’m not going to eat it at all ever again because, as you say, we must be respectful of all things… even bamboo.”

“Please, can I just put down my hands now? I want to show you that it’s simply a piece of bamboo. No, of course it’s not loaded! Do you hear me, it’s only a piece of bamboo!”

“Aw, come on, Dad, throw me the ball! No, I won’t drop it this time, I swear to Ling-Ling. Okay, if I drop it, you can have my piece of bamboo here. Huh, not good enough? All right, all right, you can have a share of my bamboo for an entire year if I drop it! Excuse me? Yikes, Ling-Ling up on a bloody cross, like hell I am! Urrgh, don’t be so ridiculous here, I am not going to put the proportions down in writing and sign it!”

Spin

Everything is set,
both primed and peeling,
spotlights trained and trailing,
and our actors are of course nervous,
but they’ll quickly get over it,
once the audience cheers.

Let’s see what you got for us today,
we obviously saw the bill and paid our cost,
now it’s time to hear it booming from your own voice,
down on one knee with right hand placed above your heart,
as the left is numbed while fastened behind your back,
with fingers always decidedly tightly crossed.

Oh, how I do love myself and you,
through all of the crass disputes and lies,
on past those boundless cheating engagements,
you don’t know what you’re talking about,
because I have much more accord now,
settled atop of my popular end.

I’ll suck blood from a glittering straw,
have thousands enamored with my glossy smile,
lifting a sparkling hem of my dress at the right moment,
making certain to command and hold eye contact,
to buy extra friends among constant denial,
since it’s your feeble word against mine.

Oh Puhleeze, honey, why should I shave my body hair? Excuse me, but I can’t see the point of messing with total perfection!

“Rowrrr, sweetie cakes, I’m a very hungry bunny here just waiting to munch down on a real long hard carrot!”
“Ugh, then go to some damn grocery store and get a whole bag full of them, you freak!”

“Hey, pretty baby, when are you going to crack dat hard shell open so we can get a chance to dive into tasting your sweet creamy center?”
“My stars! Whoa, how about you buying me a drink first, boys, then we can talk more comfortably over your obviously quite enticing proposal?”
“Uh, sorry there, doll, but you’re gonna have to either spread them right here on da street, or me and my friends will hunt for fresh meat elsewhere!”
“Yeah, all right, I’m glad to oblige, fellas! Geez, why didn’t you say that in the first place?”

“Right, of course I’m playing hard to get at the moment, darling! God, you should see me here when I’m a bit more generous to my many admirers!”

“Ah, where oh where can I find a big strong man to help me with my traveler’s trunk? Lord below, my arms are so exhausted that I can just barely suck and lick my fingers here!”

“Damn straight, babe, no lingerie catalog has the guts to use my more than worthy assets! You know, I’m just honestly way too sexy! Forgive me, but nobody would be even paying any attention to what I’d be hardly wearing in there!”

“Wow, all of these tall stiff trunks are giving me ideas to climb them to hold onto their big coconuts!”
“Come on, that’s silly, man. Bah, you’re only talking in riddles here. Look, can’t you tell that there ain’t coconuts in these trees?”

“Aw, don’t you dare ask me to bend over, sugar! Hell, you’re completely underestimating my strength and certainly overestimating yours! Besides, lover, I still haven’t bothered to learn CPR since the last time that I did it!”

Oh, come on and get up, ma’am! Listen, stop playing around! Geez, my breath can’t possibly be all that bad!

“Hey, what’s all this in here anyway? Whoa, I think I was severely short-changed by someone somewhere because this stuff seems like it would be kinda cool to have around! Ah, and so very soft too!”

“For shame, I just knew all along that this ol’ broad was stuffing her bra! Hell, at least with me, you always get exactly what you see!”

“Aw, give me a break here, woman, you can’t just faint now! Seriously, don’t tell me that you haven’t seen a naked mannequin before!”

“Uh, excuse me, madam, I must open up your blouse a little so you can breathe much easier. Oh, it’s really all right, deary, as you can clearly tell here, I’m obviously a professional.”

And here is where it ends, folks! After decades of unforgivable abuse, the medical simulation dummies have finally exerted their sweet revenge at last!

“Ugh, why do humans insist on wearing all of this pesky constricting fabric over themselves? Please, are they ashamed of their bodies? Easy there, no wonder that this one is unconscious. Damn, probably collapsed from heat stroke.”

“All right, lady, wake up! Look, fair is fair, it’s now my turn to wear these clothes and you have to walk around naked!”

“Ha-ha, let’s just see how you guys like being dressed up in whatever odd form of clothing one can dare to think of! There, that should do it. Okay, now to get you to a store window so others can gawk at you mercilessly for a few hours!”

Cultivated

That’s right, darling, keep crying,
see, it ain’t ever meant to be easy with me.
Exactly, complicated, frustrating, challenging,
and loud, oh so loud, baby!
Hey, I don’t give a damn if we’re in the same room,
everyone else around here is gonna hear me as well!
Yeah, if they got a real problem with it,
come over sometime and break bread with me,
I dare them to leave with near the same ignorance.
Aw, don’t tell me that you can spread a lotus for them,
then even pay for your trouble while making more,
but can’t stand to sit a few minutes with me for free!
Huh, didn’t they go to school when they were kids,
now was that all voluntary, how was it back then,
a saving grace or a great waste of time and energy?
Well, they seriously paid for that one and they’re constantly paying,
except this is of no cost and they won’t just try an honest nibble!

Ha, you got it, doll, real big talk from misguided cowards!
Sorry, ain’t no one gonna tell me what for,
please, while they’re saluting their enemies and masters!
Nobody understands, but they’re also afraid to ask questions,
things are supposedly coming on way too hard and fast,
as they normally bombard themselves with other noise anyway.
Incorrect, only some of it is by choice,
much of it remains merely secret ingredients mixed in a trusted recipe.

God, I used to be so tired and listless and didn’t know why,
down sprawled over the cement like I was drugged without any high!
Couldn’t seem to be able to catch a break,
yet that was actually all of my shame, friend,
because I wasn’t listening to these geniuses!
They currently got my head screwed on straight,
busy reading and obeying their reams of bibles,
precisely the nourishing milk I needed as a child!

Yeah, the hell you will! Listen, I’m not going to lend you my helmet just so you can see if it can improve your Wi-Fi reception!

“Ugh, don’t be ridiculous, I can’t possibly go out on a date with you while I’m still in mourning! Huh? What, are you blind or something? Can’t you see these black ribbons I’m wearing on my braids?”

“Aw, come on now, when were pigtails for men NOT in fashion? Exactly, never, so this is the very last that I want to hear any more dissent about it, good day.”

“Huh, I’m not supposed to wear this over my head, instead it’s to cover my crotch? Geez, what honestly do you imagine that I could be harboring down here anyway?”

“Oh, so you aren’t impressed, are you? Gosh, and after all of the time I’ve spent getting dolled up for our date? Bah, do you know what you are? You are ice incarnate and an absolute beast!”

“Whoa, relax now and gaze deep into my face. Seriously, do I look like I’m interested in another adventure? Ah, good guess! Hey, Johnny, we got ourselves a winner here! Uh, so if you would kindly please excuse me now, there is a huge roasted boar somewhere that requires my much-needed eager attention.”

“No, unfortunately I had to turn Mr. Obama down on his consideration of me for Secretary of Defense. Sorry to say, but my extensive talents would have been sorely wasted in that lowly position. At the moment though, I have had my eye on many different exciting and engaging prospects. One of which, is that I’m amid some earnest negotiations to star in the next season of ‘The Bachelor!'”

“Hold on, dear, what the hell do you mean you don’t want to date a woman with a mustache? Well, easy there, honey, it’s really quite simple. See, if you’re so concerned about it, I can always just shave it off. Presto change-o! There, problem solved!”

He-he, yeah, George, to hell with that exterminator, you go get them nasty ol’ termites all by yourself, buddy! Charge!

“Jesus, give it a break, George, it’s supposed to be a ‘crash test dummy,’ not a ‘crash test idiot!'”
“Ha-ha, Frank, ‘give it a break!’ Ain’t that pretty much what he’s already clearly doing here?”

“Urrgh! Ooohhh, wow… Okay, you guys, who’s got a pointy little head now?”
“Whoa, George, I gotta admit that you sure taught us a real lesson here! Yeah, that you’re a lot stupider than I thought!”

And in this picture, folks, we see George attempting to teach his house who’s the boss by trying to headbutt it into submission.

“Come on, boy, we didn’t literally mean that you should knock yourself out! Geez, did you ever hear of a ‘figure of speech?'”

“Hey, shall we tell him?”
“Aw, hell no, this is just way too much fun watching George trying to demonstrate for us ignorant morons his interpretation of ‘mind over matter!'”

“Hold it, that’s quite enough, son, you do certainly qualify! Now, all we need is ten more idiots like him and we’ll have ourselves a pretty swell team!”

“My God, have things changed over time! Damn, when I was around his age, I released steam by getting drunk and going to whorehouses!”

“All right, George, you seem to have tested that football helmet well enough. Okay, now it’s time to get around to the other twenty-three before the game tomorrow.”

“Look, George, stop being so damn stubborn now, and just go to the hardware store and buy yourself a real hammer!”
“Bah, please shut your big mouth there, Frank, today was seeming mighty boring until ol’ George here started doing these uproarious house repairs of his!”

Reigning Pitchmen

Better count your fingers and toes,
after every time we converse a little,
because you can’t trust what I’ll do,
let alone what I’m liable to say also,
in this nasty pit that you’ve created,
wishing to frame any idea imagined.

Just get used to being a swell player yourself, doll,
furiously moving your selected effigy over our worn board,
caught guilty in the act and even in mid-sentence,
trying to pay your bills with someone else’s earned money,
without shame dripping in denial concerning your supposed misdeeds,
obviously not hearing these pathetic excuses through my mouth instead.

Right, you made your fortune partly using what you voice,
but you should understand that your tongue ain’t all golden,
especially that bright yellow streak you’ve developed lately,
severely dividing what was mostly genuine within your prime,
now tearing muscles and ligaments from your complacency,
too bad you have to take so many others down with this fall.

Ah, here they all come twinkling below to freeze our traffic,
how dare you question motives when they built this expanse,
simply enjoy a wondrous view awaiting your opportunity,
turn up the heat and music as we massage bodies and minds,
straight across our lines between their mounting wreckage,
happy to be and most alive precisely ahead of the guillotine.

Whew. Good, now that I probably have my temperature back down to normal, I can go finish chasing that damn cat.

“Yeah, kids, you can keep on dropping all of your leftover drinks right here. Although I sure like these sodas a lot, I still wouldn’t mind a wee touch of Jack Daniels every once in a while either.”

“Aw puhleeze, I’m only here schooling this stupid ice on what being cool really is!”

“Bah, global warming, my fat hairy rumpoceros! Come on, tell me, if there honestly is this supposed ‘global warming,’ then how the hell is there a whole pile of ice just suddenly here on the sidewalk in the middle of summer? Ha, I seriously got ya crazies totally stumped here, now don’t I?”

“Ahhh, that’s so nice! Okay, I think I’ve got them lousy crabs just about frozen solid. Geez, must remember to be more careful when I’m out on da prowl next time!”

“Hey, what do we have here, a ‘pupsicle?’ Get it, ol’ boy, ‘pupsicle?'”
“Look, and what do we have here with you, a ‘moron?’ Get it? You’re a moron.”

“God, what the hell?! Yeowwl, do you have any freaking idea how long it took me to carve that ice sculpture before you selfishly decided to take a damn swan dive into it?!”
“Come on, who the hell cares how long it took you to make it, buddy! Seems pretty irrelevant considering that it’s thoroughly trashed right now.”

“Oh, wow! Yikes, we got to get this poor little fella quickly back to the cryogenics facility!”
“Urrgh, Rin Tin Tin, Benji, and Lassie all down in the mud doing the nasty, this rotten place is simply crawling with morons!”

Yeah, you’ll have to forgive me, babe, this is how it always looks when I’m in a room full of such dreadful wallflowers!

“Aw, come on, woman, you must have heard that good things do come in little packages!”
“Uh, duh, and I’ve also heard that Jesus is the son of God, but I certainly don’t believe that garbage either!”

“Hey, miss, why don’t you simply take a picture of it? Surely at my age, it’ll honestly last much longer!”
“Ugh, you’re kidding me, right? I don’t have a good enough macro zoom setting on my camera to properly capture what you’re sporting!”

“Please, will you kindly stop blowing on it, miss, that’s not a lousy hot cup of coffee you’ve got there!”
“Sorry, then I must have misunderstood what you actually wanted.”

“No, no, no, madam, you are still not doing it right!”
“Look, mister, if you’re such an expert, why don’t you just do it yourself? Except I still get to keep your $5.”
“Bah, you foul idiot, you think that if I could really do it myself, that I’d be here now trying to pay for it in a dirty bus station?!”

“Ha-ha, kneel before me, wench, I am the great and powerful Wizard of Oz!”
“Geez, easy there, Uncle, you’re having another wet dream in a public place!”

“Ouch, how can you just lie there so calmly after spilling that coffee in your lap?”
“Ah, very easy, miss, I’m merely savoring this moment because it’s been years since I’ve felt anything down there in that particular region.”

“Whoa, man, no offense, but this can’t possibly be all you can give here!”
“No, lady, after forty-three years of marriage to the same vicious harpy, it’s all that I have left!”

“Hey, mister, did you know that your fly is open?”
“Why, thank you, miss, now you win a prize because it’s been quite a while since anyone has ever cared about that area of mine to notice!”

“Oh, wow, now that I see it, this is going to have to cost you a lot extra!”
“Right, I thought it might, and I doubt that I have nearly enough cash on me to cover the expense. Say, do you happen to take credit or even food stamps?”