Bah, I’ve heard that ‘Witness’ movie sure gave us a bad look. Okay, if you’re done with fantasy, kindly drink in a real man now!

“Listen, dear, my ‘threads,’ as you so crudely phrase them, are entirely handmade; and trust me, I’d absolutely reign over any catwalk in existence with these darn things!”

“Mercy, woman, isn’t it quite obvious why we are forbidden to have mustaches? Come on, clearly then we’d just be far too attractive that, heh-heh, them poor ol’ females would most certainly faint dead away, completely awestruck!”

“Right, ‘Playgrrl’ did honestly contact our wives to propose arranging a spread featuring us men, except we’re all full up busy constructing a neighbor’s barn the only free week they have scheduled open. Well, dang it, there’s always next month, I guess; although believe me, sister, our much superior hunkiness ought to definitely survive long past then!”

“Urrgh, for probably the tenth time at this point, ma’am, it’s ‘Amish,’ not ‘amiss!’ Yeah, I can totally understand that there’s something wildly amiss about us pitiful folks, but still doesn’t change the fact that it ain’t our bleeding name!”

“Puhleeze, little darling, suspenders are merely for the weak and feeble-minded, like those sported by my lousy posse back here! Yet I, ahem, yours truly, on the other hand, contain plenty of faith that my pants are going to remain in place throughout whatever specific duration our good Lord bestows me the great means to set for them.”

Schizophrenic Grapple

Build my structure for hiding your warships,
courses flowing through my storms and tides,
making love across this sweet coral seabed,
frozen during the last couple of dead centuries,
totally unknown when no one bothers us now,
as this deceptive still even changes its omens.

I need, you bleed, they witness our dire absence,
scared to search over these flailing weak stitches,
brought down by force inside of a clashing unity,
our exterior beauty quickly lost its form and luster,
then we left their studio all smiles in a great hurry,
concerning strong arms almost useless in antithesis.

Hordes coming after in a sequential disarray,
blemishing a seemingly perfect odd calculation,
spoken above raves without that striking ease,
reaching toward hands exploring foreign shores,
not jealous yet until its stark tenacity sinks within,
dragging a once mighty romance to dark hollows.

We asked, they pleaded, everyone got robbed,
lawyers spread us wide the length of Hollywood,
early shows preempted their trash for our flavor,
drooling long before scrawled gins atop pancakes,
bore with mad kisses under rained out doorsteps,
just to eventually rush back in to await their cabriolet.

Psst, yo, Markus, he’s obviously crying again, better pop that pacifier in his mouth to score sympathy points off the jury.

“Aw, easy does it on them waterworks there, bruh, for your information, this simply happens to be a brand new 800 dollar suit that you’re attempting to destroy.”

“Right, I realize that she’s delivering some very touching testimony, yet it’s also extremely damaging to your own from earlier, so let’s please do our best to compose ourselves, shall we? Yeah, and they’ll probably swallow it a whole lot more painless too if you act like you’re only leaning against me because of your utterly profound love and respect for lawyers.”

“Nah, see, I’m honestly all fresh out of telling stories about them rabbits, buddy, instead, you’re just gonna have to rely on your ol’ randy cell mate for that over the next few years.”

“Geez, come on, man, kindly give it a little rest at this point! Uh, sorry if I seem a bit insensitive here, but you know damn well that Oprah will ultimately find some other way to make it back on network television.”

“Look, I completely understand that you definitely had your heart set on being a juror, dude, except I told you that nobody’s gonna appreciate much your most foul attitude toward the police in general either. Hey, try to view it from this angle though, there’s always next time you’re called to get your decidedly warped beliefs seriously in order, and really woo them for certain then.”

Levee’s Mettle

Break your luscious bottle in my gaping mouth,
then shove it deep between them crutches,
and before long I’ll be walking again on my own,
sorely without faith, but I still believe in us here,
when there’s nothing below worth keeping around.

Get thoroughly doused with holy wine and water,
cheap from some practically vacant rusty chain,
now upon our shimmering bumpy dashboard,
holding the fort as we drink whatever is available,
blessed and evil then finally even conning ourselves.

Crowd the whip where its last lash makes contact,
searing in our wicked signature after boring them,
with a history not easily understood and followed,
once you’ve tried and failed testing our new bounds,
formulated specifically to be passed and forgotten.

Down overseeing our sharp rocks bite your oceans,
surfing their crushing undertow and vortexes,
to brave every bloodthirsty animal sailing beneath,
from howling winds ripping to weak straps our ships,
until we admit our mistakes and rear them mightier.

Plunge enormous bridges to drown in gas flames,
whatever set on either shore protects its many secrets,
by vicious waves ingesting their cutting saw blades,
across to poisonous fumes as tearing acid on open skin,
for rag dolls spilling their expressive thread and buttons.

Yeah, I never did like the railroad because there must be more superior ways of severely exploiting men than only this.

“Ugh, please try to keep your horse’s damn rear a lot further down wind from me, old man! Jesus finally making some sense, I haven’t a clue of what you’re feeding it, but it sure as hell can’t be all too good!”
“Ha, if you’re gonna be working ’round these parts, mister, you’ll unfortunately find out soon enough what I’m feeding it!”

“Come on, guys, even when I owned slaves, I treated them much better than some of your sorry laborers here!”
“Big deal, man, so you’re a lousy, bleeding pansy-hearted, mother-fracking scum ball, and we’re just a cut above, or below you, depending on your stupid point of view and how good you are with a gun while pathetically sustaining on a nasty diet that would honestly make a goat think twice and puke once!”

“Hey, wanna job, dude? Er, pay ain’t that hot, yet there’s three shingles of beans a day also in it for you if you’re willing.”
“Sweet Lord on high, for three shingles of beans a day, I’d seriously blow your grandma! Uh, except of course, I’ll blow your grandma for absolutely free as well… Mercy me, as you can plainly tell now, I’m ultimately more  interested in blowing your freaking grandma right at this moment than anything else I imagine possible!”

“Aw, give me a break, fellas, and kindly stop using those sledgehammers in such a sexually extreme manner! Okay, okay, forgive me, I’ll admit that I’ve been on the ‘ol trail a mite longer than a sane man oughta.”

Byway Stillborn

You can also become weak and feeble,
rolling over their same popular vision,
honestly dealt from under a soggy bottom,
spent clips scattered about as the drinks continue to flow.

Practically for granted, wrapped in your arms,
if you want me thankful, you’re not realistic,
unless we chop down every fruit and nut tree,
there’s always sand twisting around in their thieving ocean.

Across a dirty blockade, specifically to test us,
should we challenge a pass and at what cost,
half voting to remain within their safe ridges,
while the rest toss all in for others to eventually swallow.

Curious bars for a quick shake and stiff wash,
as measly clients provide almost the entire heat,
since we truly can’t figure out our addiction,
it’s probably a good idea that they do serve food there too.

Fill up on gas and check the price of cigarettes,
spread provocatively for your trickling drug pump,
no tilting above that borrowed table so far either,
of course blindfolded when it’s their disingenuous ball game.

Determined to crash through them blinding colors,
one horse feeding on your shoulder for five digits,
to whole metropolises that dictate a sorry hour,
yet long before you’re done with this latest car of vagabonds.

Okay, I’ll do this one last time, except you better make sure that idiot warden doesn’t forget his safe’s combination anymore.

“Man, this has got to be the most stupidest conjugal visit I’ve ever done seen! Jesus, do you seriously expect me to just roll out my necessary equipment through the bars to her?”
“Hey, pal, don’t ask me, I’m only a modest guard here. Please, refrain from counting me in this pathetic discussion about how you two conduct your sexual relations, because I have more than enough of that kind of embarrassing talk at home as it is.”

“Aw, Lordy, your dumb ol’ armory definitely screwed up my order yet again! Come on, people, I specifically mentioned that I wanted a shiv formed like a mere toothbrush so I’d have something innocently to do and conceal it also while they’re busy searching my cell for weapons!”

“Look, sister, I ain’t got no money on me for cigarettes at the moment, but if you’re game, I’ll gladly arm wrestle you over this table with a couple of packs set as the prize, yeah, and the guard here can be our judge…”
“Hold it, dude, I don’t smoke.”
“Easy, lady, I didn’t ask you if you smoked, I simply wondered if you wanna arm wrestle for some lousy cigarettes!”

“Urrgh, damn right this is a freaking prison, ma’am; you sick fiends can’t even have that little familiar tune playing in the background when you’re handing us our mid-afternoon ice cream break!”