Just relax, if you kids think that’s uncomfortable, you’re at least under a cool roof while we’re baking out in the open sun!

BlindfoldedMenAndSoldiers

“Come on, guys, we can plainly hear you still talking up a storm over there! Geez, when the hell are you gonna start hiding so we can finally begin seeking out your sorry olive green rump roasts?”

“Hey, you should be honestly thanking us that you’re blindfolded, now you don’t have to look at your ugly selves!”

“Damn it all, caught by the fashion police yet again! Paleeze, I told you dudes already that we shouldn’t have been wearing this much freaking red on our otherwise quite splendid attire!”

“Aw, give us a break here, boys, stop looking so bored and quit that lousy slouching as well! God, your pitiful mothers must seriously have their rotten hands full with you losers every day!”

“Excuse me, did you men say that you would like chairs now? Bah, don’t be silly, do you see any of us sitting on chairs here? Uh, ha-ha, of course at the moment, you don’t, but that’s beside the point! Er, what was the point I was trying to make anyway? Oh yeah, request denied!”

Yeah, it’s simply known as ‘Good Friday’ to everyone else, yet at my modest residence, every Friday is ‘Great Friday!’

CatholicOrthodoxTwoPopes

“Okay, we’ll just do this kiss right at this point as a mere tiny polite peck on the cheek, but of course later on tonight in secret, we can certainly go a whole helluva lot further than only that!”

“Aw, please have some patience with me, Your Holiness, because I’m understandably not used to kissing adults and it’s really very embarrassing for me personally.”

“No, you clearly misunderstood, all I said was that I have some real primo weed stashed up in my hat that we can share together later when things have quieted down a little around here.”

“Oh, thank you for the fine compliment on my hat, Your Holiness. Hey, this reminds me, you might like to know that I also have an exquisite pair of matching earrings that I wear only during our, now how shall I say, more intimate private sessions.”

“Right, the four men that I have adorning my hat are represented as the kings in a deck of playing cards that we use back at the ol’ house for poker night as well.”

“Yes, I do realize that this kiss between us is going to be a wee bit awkward at best. Probably like, say when one had to kiss an uncle for instance. Ah, except in my case, mine turned out to be actually a pretty fair kisser.”

Abettors of Shame

Your unrelenting loving pain,
constantly suffocating my hateful brain,
done until we’re all literally in flames,
because you really were run by vanity.

Oh, trust me, it certainly will in a short time,
while you can only shake your empty head,
since that’s how news, good or bad, travels,
every one of us has to pay in some degree.

That’s the sorry point though which you ignore,
we’ve been listening far too much already,
and those pushing their rotten say the hardest,
refuse to analyze exactly what’s being spewed.

See, your little train completes its vicious circle,
just to start again atop your rich breakfast table,
promptly followed by lunch, then toward dinner,
making sure there are plenty of in between meals.

It’s fun playing games over on the mass naive public,
barking out commands and they simulate the honey,
pretending along to care, ever grateful that they’re here,
after vapid fame and fortune above lasting immortality.

Yeah, flaunting one hand draped in gold and diamonds,
except concealed underneath is merely a tight bony fist,
with the other always bare, faithfully behind your back,
showing many secrets are worse than you wish to dare.

Don’t be ridiculous, Your Holiness, it’s extremely easy to fake a kiss like we fake everything else we do in this conglomerate.

CatholicOrthodoxTwoPopes

“Forgive me, I said that your fly’s open.”
“Oh, I’m sorry about that, but you know, occupational hazard.”

“Watch out, I’m merely warning that I wouldn’t drink the tea if I were you since I earlier got an accidental surprise glimpse of some nasty punks doing their business in the kitchen, uh, shall we say, preparing to ‘spike’ it.”

“Ewww, Your Eminence! Ugh, don’t you ever clean out that lousy beard of yours?”
“Aw, come on, why should I? Geez, I think it gives me a certain degree of character.”

“Please, let’s just quickly get our kiss right over with so I can leave and take off this ginormous hat because I’m really starting to suffer from a severe case of helmet hair all the way to eleven!”

“Oh wow! My word, Your Holiness, now you may be a man of God, but that foul breath of yours is definitely straight from Satan’s own swampy nether regions!”

“Excuse me, I only wanted to ask where you got this simply magnificent hat? See, I also have some very nice hats as well, but today they made me wear this flimsy beanie thingy like I’m some dumb kid who lost his little propeller.”

Hey, I don’t really care what filth you got to serve me at this point since I brought along plenty of beer to wash it down!

FreshEatsOnFloor

“Look, you ain’t at the Hilton here, buddy, we don’t exactly get much of a choice for food around these parts so this is usually all we eat if we’re lucky, spread over our three meals!”

“Oh, believe me, they all look so absolutely delicious, but I unfortunately already had my fill of them before I arrived here!”
“Aw, no problem, dude, you can load that basket with as many as you want and take them back home with you.”
“Gee, thanks, seems like you thought of everything. Er, I sure wish that I could say the same thing…”

“See, the basket is a trap that we simply pile with those moldy fruits there for a tasty rat to come by and eat them, then he of course gets sick, which is when we can easily grab him and fry it up for a scrumptious meal!”

“No, it’s really okay, man, because if you happen to get a little tummy ache from those fruits, you can drink some of this palm oil tea here and it will seriously clear that right up in a matter of only a few days.”

“Yeah, these fruits are valued by their different colors basically signifying each’s varied, subtle flavor. Let’s see, those yellow ones have a fairly insipid, yet bitter taste, with the orange closely matched, but they are hot instead and much more bitter, and the red are the hottest still while also being the bitterest as well. Uh, I suggest that you just don’t bother even thinking about eating them green ones at all.”

Maximize Esteem

You wicked darling busy tearing chiffon strips,
ready to drive us both far above and beyond,
because I can’t wait long enough until it’s legal,
when life declares the rules so we ignore them.

I’ve got fresh fruit sheathing luscious cream,
spread over this cross focused on my inseam,
leading to a unique taste that’s quite supreme,
grab a spoon before they’re finished with me.

Our way is paved by leaning against excess,
never questioning what doesn’t make sense,
us comfortably idle are pushed off the fence,
must flood their aisles to keep them all dense.

We bring raging showers to the oceans,
another sunny day bakes them deserts,
don’t complain and mind your business,
not to disturb ballets between galaxies.

Butter pats saturated beneath their nuts,
rolled within logs followed by them cuts,
dividing my generous lot sure takes guts,
left with emptiness prompting your struts.

Motivation as a harsh whip crackling your back,
raising them dead to generate value for the hack,
gotta stop them arteries from layering on plaque,
forcing the market to rashly create what we lack.

Don’t be silly, it’s all based on the vast age of this place. Puhleeze, in a few hundred years, my messy apartment will be chic!

ManOnBridgeOverHighWater

“Yikes, are you quite blind, man, ‘What global warming?’ Jesus, if this place gets any more freaking rain, I believe that we’re going to be in some very serious contention with Venice at this point!”

“Aw, you actually want me to compose a poem on the spot here? Hey, come now, you’re kidding me, right? Okay, okay, let’s try this one for size if we can: ‘Roses are red, as the blood gushing from your damn nose, since you had the unfortunate supreme gall to expect me to create poetry on a sheer whim!’”

“Hell, no, certainly you jest! Ugh, I would definitely not swim in these waters! Why? Er, well, first of all, because they are absolutely foul with pollution, and second, my body is hardly ready for bikini season, if you know what I mean.”

“Sorry, mister, I think I must have sorely misunderstood what you said, could you please repeat yourself? All right, now let me see if I can get this straight: you want me to spread my legs over this railing and bounce around like I was galloping on a horse? Oh my Lord, you are truly inspired with a lot of rather disturbing surprises today, but sadly, again I must have to decline the offer! Uh, at least until after you’ve perhaps bought me a couple of drinks, that is!”

Yes, I know, sir, it is indeed a wonderful tie that I’m wearing, but your awesome taste still ain’t gonna count as collateral.

ManAtDesk

“Okay, quickly, this is about how I’d look if I was reading with a mustache, and now this is again how I look reading without one. Well, come on out with it, man, which one do you honestly prefer?”

“Aw, I believe that I’ve pretended to be seriously considering your loan application long enough, so it’s now time for the real fun of this extremely boring job: DE-NIED!”

“Hey, easy there, boy, he’s still looking in your direction… All right, he’s currently starting to stare at the secretary for the moment, which means you can finally take a mad plunge into that itchy nostril with abandon!”

“Yeah, sorry, buddy, but I gave you the opportunity to smell my finger already, so that’s why I’m simply hogging all of this luscious goodness for my damn self!”

“Oh God, I swear that these foul tax forms keep getting nuttier every consecutive year! Listen, and trust me, I kid you not, at this point I can even list myself here as being a legal dependent of myself!”

“Forgive me, but I’ve been working here for a number of years, and this has to be, hands down, the oddest job application to come across my desk. Geez, is this actually written in crayon? Huh? Oh, pastel. Really? Uh, that’s just great, fella, because first we started off with your plain ol’ run-of-the-mill moron, yet now we’ve firmly landed atop of a very snotty and stuck up moron!”

Change Drover

In this lonely mind, she violently screams,
made up as a fuming spiraling car of rage,
twisted around for the fifth revolution,
wondering what of this machine is surplus,
as junkyards are pillaged of their parts,
while her engine is safe in its smoldering.

Across the oceans for a dirty slanted deal,
burning their jungles to heave this way further,
copper is the new jade, tin is now silver,
don’t complain until you’re deep in the mines,
and still then you must be obviously joking,
because they refuse to hear any resistance.

Load that scattergun each blessed morning,
balancing over orange juice and hotcakes,
shades tightly drawn on the east windows,
oddly left firmly to your own heinous devices,
target practicing exactly for clearing a path,
with enough bullets to easily tear down walls.

Dark hoods waiting in ambush behind closets,
a basket case finally given its righteous due,
angering that bull to destroy our rich perimeter,
for tea and cookies much too hard to swallow,
even though they weren’t meant to be eaten,
but this doesn’t matter since we also ain’t hungry.

Lordy, here I’ve got over twenty years experience as a reporter, and I’m reduced to covering stupid stories like this one!

ManWithPaintChip

“Relax, pal, of course I used a knife to pry this piece off, but the gullible public doesn’t know that! Ha, and they sure as hell won’t ever know it if I bury your meddlesome body out in this field!”

“See, I, as only a very weak news reporter, was easily able to tear this gigantic paint slab from this tower, so obviously somebody better quickly call a HazMat crew here for a thorough cleaning of this whole area to at least a fifty-meter radius!”

“Look, mister, it’s clearly not my fault here! Give me a break, bro, the lousy chip just fell off while I was only writing on my notepad! Okay, okay, yeah, sure, take us to court and sue me for damages all you damn want! Urrgh, my freaking lawyer will definitely contact your freaking lawyer!”

“Hey, did you see how this paint chip glided so effortlessly into my hand? Geez, at this rapid pace, I’d estimate, strictly as a layman, mind you, that this whole tower will be nothing but a mountain of mere shards in say, perhaps as little as a month’s time!”

“Aw, don’t be ridiculous now, sir, there’s no need for this small thing to come to blows! Listen, to save ourselves the arduous bloodshed, I’ll simply return here with a can of paint and a brush then do all of the necessary repairs myself.”

“Uh, I realize that I’m supposed to be a professional at this point, but can you please excuse me for a couple of minutes anyway? Come on, man, I’m being totally serious with you here because I desperately need to cry right now!”

“Oh, forgive me, I don’t know what I was thinking at the moment! Easy there, have a little mercy on me that I only lost my reporter’s objectivity for a fleeting second when I absentmindedly stepped in to catch this paint chip before it hit the ground.”